Searching for labels
‘Who am I? what defines me? How many times have I asked myself this question?
I look inside myself for the answer, as I move to the rhythm of the music playing through my headphones. Shifting to the beat, I allow myself the freedom to be swept into the motion, thoughts stop rushing, just easing into the movement, flow, eyes closed, feet grounded, every twist and turn reconnects me to this earth. Lost in the visions of my mind, the beat, the movement….find the answer…who am I? The answer is simple, I am everything. I am my ancient ancestors who found themselves on shores unknown, I connect with them through landscape, through ancient craft, understanding of my natural surroundings, through bird song and soil and rock, through the creativity that runs through my veins, the desire to touch the long past, I hear their voices in the trees, the waves, I reach my thoughts, heart and hands towards them, did they dance, move to a rhythm in their hearts? as they connected to their landscape and all that sustained them? I yearn for the simplicity.
But I am also others, I am Romani, I am warrior, I am medieval, I am Victorian, I am survivor, I am my broken parents…. I am a subtotal of all, their DNA runs through me, their lives influence mine, their experience somehow shared in the blood which runs through my veins. And yet I search for the answer in response to a modern society that desires to label me… My body resembles the past, it is reincarnation of multiple generations, overlaid like paint on canvas, layers that make up a picture, we are the canvas we show the present layer, but which pieces are we adding? which parts do we add to the story? My body moves to the music, what is it that I wish to add to the story? what will I add to this world. But is this moving from the point? Does it matter what I add? the question was after all who am I? the answer is all. And again I reflect on what this means…..
To be all…. my hands move through my art, there is an intuition, a connection to the materials, a deep understanding, a knowing, but is that me or is that all parts, is that an ancestor from a long past showing me the way through the DNA of touch? There are parts of me that are close to the surface, I have always believed that in this body, which holds the history of so many the memories of long past are closest to the surface, as I grow older, I realise more and more that this is the case, I seek out the wild places, stand face to the wind, feel the freedom, the sounds of waves crashing, the cold sting of rain against my skin, I need the elements in their harshest reality to bring me back to myself, to make my soul sing, to reach out and connect to the ancient magic, wisdom, knowing, understanding, respect, are there words I can use to relay to you what I mean? ‘I like weather’ this is my answer, the more visceral the better, the life affirming winds that rattle my insides…I have no wish to feel anything other than this, to remember that I am part of the nature of the world.
And yet you want to label me, to place me into some place ‘you’ understand, you demand that I feel your pain, your life, your emotions, that I understand your need for more, for money, for things, for your own connection, you have not connected to yourself, you connected to a thing which is as alien to me as my connection to the wind is to you…. If I am unable to label myself, If I refuse to do so, do you have the right to force me or to add your label to me? do not, you don’t know me, I am the fathomless representation of all, how can you label that? what purpose does it serve? find ‘your’ own way, know who ‘you’ are, dig deep inside ‘yourself’ without fear, only the ancients dwell there, if you think for long enough, allow yourself the freedom without control, you will know which ancestors are speaking to you, this is who you are in this and this is what you have to offer the world.
I am warrior, mother, a life young, a life old, a life broken, I starved, I sang, I danced, I felt loss, pain, joy, I have birthed many, I have stood as many with my face into the wind, breathed in air across the globe, I am many.