The Day I Decided to Live.
It may seem a little melodramatic but the original title for this blog was in fact ‘The Day I Decided To Die’.
As I begin to walk I wonder how this will end. And then as I hoped my vision begins to clear, the pain subsides and the emotions start to change. I take a breath and can once again feel the late summer breeze on my face. I realise I am walking with purpose, a methodical beat in my steps, my senses begin to awaken and finally a realisation that the answer is to continue not to end.
2 hours earlier…
I wake in the early hours of the morning with another rush of anxiety, it passes through my body like a wave of cold energy, sometimes its so intense I feel it will make me physically sick. I lie in the early morning light trying to remember how to get myself past this, ‘return to the breathing’, ‘remember its just an emotion, a feeling’ but the intensity holds me in that unknown place, as I try to find a breath, a focus. On this particular day, the anxiety and pain do not simply pass, they catch in my throat, a restriction on my breathing, a pain in my body, I curl myself into a ball, hold myself together, as hot tears run down my cheeks. How many times must this happen? will I never be free of these feelings.
I lie there until I find that it is easing, deciding to get out of bed and hope that like on other days it will help to get up, get started. But not today the convulsions of tears come in waves. How did I allow this to happen again? Is there actually no peace in this world? is there only change and pain? How is it to love with intensity then lose that in an instant and feel nothing but the dull ache that threatens to tear you in half.
Grief is the most paralysing of emotions, it is a great gulf that never seems to lessen, you just learn to traverse it. I stand staring without looking, time passes, the world turns and raw emotions flood through the system. The reality is that time will pass and healing will happen in its own way.
And so I walk and life moves along, the urge to continue overrides, the pounding of my boots on the track, adds rhythm to my thoughts and to look forward is the only option. Plans start to form, clouds to lift, light to return. The light always returns… and we make the choice to continue, we owe it to ourselves.