Fractured
You step into the still waters of my mind and at once the ripple occurs, dislocating what I thought was calm into the fractured glass, each fragmented part tells its own story of a mind in turmoil, some are at peace now but there are those that still contain the sharp shards of memory. Those are the memories which appear now as I allow myself to become a person that I no longer want to be, to use those same destructive words, to contain those destructive emotions. But you don’t know this, you took the step in innocence and although I feel the need to hide I don’t want to, what if this time I feel into this space and identify the emotion? You hold me in a safe space no intention to cause harm, I’ll allow you to do that even though you are a stranger to me, but maybe that’s why this makes sense, perhaps the distance is safe enough.
The feeling is shame. This associated space contains shame, guilt perhaps, destruction lies at the heart of it. To satisfy myself with others, to take what should not be taken, to hunt in the darkness but with my eyes wide open, in feeling pain, I feel, and maybe that was the point. Seeking to feel something in a mind and body closed off. Lives undone, for a moment of pleasure and then the pain of the fall. I walk and for the first time allow myself to identify the feelings, to feel the tears as they fall, I’m not angry anymore but sorry, I say that only to the universe as no one wants to hear this and in all this shame I don’t want to tell anyone except the trees. This does not require the input of any other but is my healing to be held only for me and perhaps that fracture can now mend, just a little.
There is so much work still to be done here, but as time flows and I realise that I have been waiting for so long, holding my breath against the world. I look up and time has slipped away, perhaps I thought I had time and now I realise that so much has passed. I think that holding myself in this space, to protect others, to protect myself has been the right choice but now I dream of a hand in the darkness pulling me towards a light.